Theron Mathis emailed me this today. Neither one of us know the original source.

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few helpful hints to keep this season healthy, happy and safe!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead!
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, get the h3ll out! This also applies to kids who speak with someone else’s voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to H3ll.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule applies to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits, just get the h3ll out!
9. If you’re searching for something that caused a loud noise, only to find out that it’s just the cat, get the h3ll out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
13. If you’re running from a monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companion suddenly begins to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior, such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increased hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. If will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, or anywhere in Texas that chainsaws are sold.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas, because you thought you had almost a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants that went mad or died in some horrible fashion.
18. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, carry a flashlight, not a candle.
19. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons or any devices made from deceased companions.
20. And last but not least - Never go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

Tags: Halloween